Prayer of the Mantis?

          Remember when Jack got sick and tired of all the red tape?

          Jack just wanted his toast!  And we just wanted our cell phones.  In fact, it got to the point where we really didn't care about the cell phones any more.  We've gotten along quite well for a month without them thank you very much.  This was becoming a matter of principle.  Of course, no one has ever been anything but exceptionally nice and polite to us . . . unlike the waitress in the clip above . . . even when they're making things a little challenging.

          You may recall that even after receiving our all-important Carte Bleu, the cell phone functionaries at the Orange store had rejected us earlier in the week (again!) for lack of documentation even though we have our internet service through them.  Don't you think that's queer?

          On Tuesday we decided to try again. 

          Tuesday happened to be a day when Asha went to school but Ford stayed home because his teacher was on strike.  Averil spent part of the morning accumulating every last scrap of paper she could lay her hands on including the only document we had from the Orange company:  an official looking letter directed to us at the house here in Vaison, which we had received by post, confirming our names, adresses, telephone number and status as customers of Orange's internet service.  Surely this letter, along with our passports, bank account information, and myriad other papers and methods of payment would be sufficient to prove that we were also worthy of being cell phone customers.

        Or would it?

         We were slightly aprehensive as we left the house armed with everything but our most recent colonoscopy readings.  We would need all the help we could get.  And we took solace knowing that this 3-inch mantis was praying for us in the driveway as we left home:

This Thing Was Gigantic!  We Knew Its Prayers Must Be Very Powerful.

          We drove the 10 miles to the Orange store in Nyons.  Mind you, this was our fourth cell-phone specific visit.

          And what do you think happened? 

          That's right.  We were rejected.   Again.   Now the queer had turned into the absurd and I was feeling like I wanted to knock water glasses off the table (even though I would never do that to such polite people as the Orange folks). The Orange people told us that we needed a printout from an actual recent BILL (from anyone, including them) not just a letter.  The problem with this, of course, is that the utility bills that relate to the house are in Averil's parents' names and are sent to them in Seattle.   So we had no utility bills.  And although we had a special letter from the Orange company and were vetted Orange customers, we had yet to receive a bill from them in the mail.  But the functionaries at Orange were sure we could get a copy of a bill from them by going back to the house and trying to print one off the computer but they couldn't do it themseles because they don't have our password and neither do we but if we go home our device will know it is us and blah blah blah. 

          Personally I was done with Orange at this point.  And, I figured, what did we really need cell phones for anyway? 

          But Averil was undeterred, for this is the way of fanatical generals.

          Averil was determined to return to Vaison, go home, get online, get what they said we could get, and then drive the 10 miles back to Nyons.  "We're going to do this, and we're going to be done with it today!" she cried. 

          I also cried.  But in a different way.

         
          We realized that by the time we returned to Vaison it would be 3:00 p..m.  Asha would be released from school at 4:30 p.m. and someone should pick her up since big brother was not at school.  So this meant we would have to split up.  Given her superior language skills Averil was designated as the person who would go to the house, get the special papers from the internet, and return to Nyons for the fifth cell phone-specific visit.  I would stay in Vaison, get a haircut, pick up Asha from school, and wait for Averil to return.

          I got the haircut.  (I had a great conversation with the barber by the way . . . she lives in a neighboring village.  It is small.  Not big.  It is pretty.  It is nice.)  Then I picked up Asha from school.  When we got home, we found this note from Ford:

The River is Very Shallow But There Are Pools With Huge Fish

          By now it was 5:00.  Averil had not returned from Nyons. 

          Then it was 5:30 and I started to think about dinner. 

          Then it was 6:00 and Ford returned from the river. 

          Then it was 6:30 and I started to chop garlic. 

          Then it was 7:00 and Averil still wasn't home. 

          By now I was starting to get a little worried.  Averil had been gone for 4 hours . . . Nyons was only about 20 minutes away.  What was going on?  Where was she?  I started to play out a few scenarios in my mind and I began imagining the worst.  I must admit that I freaked myself out a little bit.

          By now it was 7:30.  To kill time, I recorded this:

          About this time, Averil called!  From the new cell phones!!  She was almost home!!!  I got ready to record the triumphant return!!!!! 

          Then we had dinner in the dark and Averil drank a bottle of wine.

          Over dinner she explained what had happened.  As it turns out, she got onto her Orange account (per the instructions of the Orange functionaries) and the document she was told would be there did not exist.  But, because Le General was still determined to outwit her evil foes, she called her father in America.  Her father happened to have a recent bill with the address of the house on it.  But he had no scanner or fax machine.  So he literally took a photograph of the bill with his camera and e-mailed the photograph to Averil, and she took the photograph of this bill to the Orange functionaries.  The bill, of course, had her father's name on it, but they share the same last name, and when she arrived at the Orange store Averil waited for the one decent Orange functionary to finish with what he was doing so that he could be the one to help, and somehow, some way, she was able to prevail on him to accept this photograph as being sufficient.

          We still don't know quite how it happened.

          Was it the prayer of the mantis?

          (P.S.  We haven't had any reason to use the cell phones yet.  Maybe they'll come in handy some day?)